I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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