Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
