they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
