she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
