I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
