he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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