Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
