Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
