AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
