The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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