no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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