Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
