My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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