I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
