I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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