I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
