hell yes lets make some ravioli
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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