She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
