A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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