My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
