so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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