On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
