The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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