I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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