Kareoke will never be a sober sport
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
