I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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