It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
