So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
