She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
