I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
zippers are such a cool invention
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Randomize
