Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
