remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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