I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
