this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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