I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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