70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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