i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
