apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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