sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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