All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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