I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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