My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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