what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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