Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
