Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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