Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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