I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i dont even know how to be here
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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