he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
