ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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