haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
