girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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